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Every American president has had a penis. The possession of a generative member is, in fact, the one trait they all share. Some have been Whigs, some Democrats, and some Republicans.

Almost all have been white, but at least one has been black. Yet all have been men. Structurally, the president occupies the same position in American politics as kings and queens do in monarchies.

Hence the ancient tradition of royal gossip, which in the American republic has been replaced by a concern for the presidential penis. The Founding Fathers created a framework for American politics that resulted in a repeated focus on the the penises of aspiring presidents and presidents alike.

Was Abraham Lincoln interested in sleeping with black women, as Stephen Douglas alleged? Did Grover Cleveland have a child outside of wedlock?

Did John F. Kennedy have more mistresses than there are stars in the sky?

Such questions have been the very fabric of American public life. Lyndon Johnson was always eager to let those around him know that he had an unusually large penis.

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At the same time, he would oblige aides to take dictation standing in the door of his office bathroom while he went about emptying his bowels, as if in some alpha-male ritual assertion Need a Jefferson and big cock his primacy.

Even on the floors of the House and Senate, he would extravagantly rummage away at his groin, sometimes reaching Ned hand through a pocket and leaning with half-lifted leg for more thorough access.

Jeffdrson are no blemishes, there are no moles, there are no growths. Yet this locker-room banter belongs to an old tradition running from Adams to Bill Clinton.

The only way to stop Jefferspn presidents from alluding to their penises is to elect a woman, which is likely to happen in November.

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